Why NOT Me?

When something bad happens to someone, the first question that comes to mind usually is simply why me?  I've asked myself this question many times in my 28 years on this planet.  On Friday, Chris and I received news we were fearing.  Instead of asking why me, I found myself dealing with it by saying WHY NOT ME.  The news - It will be very difficult and maybe impossible for us to conceive.  We had a post op appointment with our fertility specialist, Dr. Homm.  He is a fantastic doctor and very sincere.  I could tell he was trying to choose his words wisely when talking to us.  Inside I was thinking, Doctor - My husband and I see death on a regular basis, we break bad news everyday and keep it together when the world is burning up around us, we are capable of hearing "bad news".  I didn't say anything, I just sat quietly taking it all in.  I remember thinking, am I really here in THIS moment.  He gave us some good news first.  I have "some" good looking female parts, but not the parts that really need to work.  My problem is my very small and aged ovaries.  The doctor is not sure why my ovaries have aged, but there's no reversing it.  The left ovary is pretty much gone from a cyst I had removed and the right is nearing the end of it's useful age with few eggs left.  Why not me.  God does not promise life with be easy.  He says there WILL be troubles, but He will be with us.  So why not me.  God WILL bless us in this trial.  It is His plan and our privilege to be a part of it. 

Options
Unlike some people with fertility problems, we have options.  We have three which are all very costly.  The first is injecting myself with hormones in hopes my right ovary gives up the best of what eggs are left.  Along with that I continue taking a aspirin and possibly a blood thinner for my clotting disorder along with hormones to sustain the pregnancy.  The second option is IVF - all I can say is expensive!  Our third and final option is adoption.  We will likely do adoption even if we do one of the others.  We both want one biological and one adopted.  There are thousands of unwanted children on this earth that deserve a home.  We will be in prayer while deciding over the next few weeks.

God speaks...
While in church this morning, a couple with their adopted daughter sat in front of us.  I could not take my eyes off of them.  It was like God strategically put them in my path.  I watched their facial expressions and the way they acted toward one another.  It was like God was speaking to me.  I've really struggled with the notion of going forward with adoption.  I feel like I need to mourn my fertility.  I know that sounds insane, but that's how I feel.  You are getting my raw and unedited feelings folks.  Chris is ready to adopt now.  He's looking at adoption Web sites and reading all the laws and information.  But he still understands my fragile feelings.  I explained to him I am still "mourning" my fertility.  I'm not sure how that sounds to someone else, but it makes sense in my mind.  I feel like God is really pushing us in the adoption direction, but I have a lot of concerns.  It just so happens there's an adoption summit at our church in May.  See, God speaks.  I am in prayer that God will direct our decisions and open our minds and hearts to whatever His plan is. 

We have a lot to think and pray about in the next few weeks.  Please keep us in your prayers.  Thank you bloggy friends.    

Feeling Normal, Finally!

I'm finally feeling "normal" again.  Still in some pain from the hernia surgery and new hardware in its place, but overall I feel a ton better.  I'm actually feeling the best I've felt in more than a year.  I am feeling like I'm getting my life back overall. 

I gave up soda about two weeks ago and I feel so much better.  Chris is on a major diet and it's helping me eat better too.  We are also trying to walk more to give the pooches exercise.  We are trying to get into a healthy lifestyle both physically and mentally. 

We have a lot to be thankful for.  We do ask you to keep us in prayer this Friday as we go back to our fertility specialist for a checkup and to hear what our choices are.  Doctor Homm did not find what he was hoping for.  He says my ovaries are extremely small.  That means a lot, but to simplify it means conceiving will be even more difficult that we thought.  But do not feel bad for us, please.  Chris and I are in a great place mentally.  WE KNOW God has a plan.  It may not include biological children, but we know He has a plan.  Sometimes realizing God is in control and you're not at the wheel is the most liberating thing in the world.  I have recently come to grips with this reality and I am such a happier person.  God is good. 

I also heard about a young woman who miscarried today and I ask that you keep her and her family in your prayers.  This is a horrible thing in which many couples experience in silence.  If I could give any young couple advice before conceiving, it would be that infertility is something a lot of people experience.  It's not something to be ashamed of.  I have found so much comfort in letting my family and friends know.  Their love and kindness has helped more than any of them will ever know. 

I will post about our doctor's visit this weekend.  Until then enjoy the sunshine as Spring is finally here.  XOXO.

The Pain Remains

It's been almost a week since my surgery and I'm still in pain and the bruising is worse.  I will return to work tomorrow, Wednesday even with the current pain situation.  I guess the 3 or 4 week recovery is likely.  I was thinking I would be quick to recover, but I was wrong.  I've now resorted to Ambien to help me sleep.  I can't get comfortable enough to stay asleep.  When I wake up the pain is the worst.  I will keep you posted, but as of now I'm very disappointed in the recovery process.

She's So Vain...

While staring at my new "war wounds" it hit me, my once "young" stomach is gone forever.  I feared ever being considered vain, but now I know I am.  All I've been able to think about since the surgery is that my stomach will never look like it used to.  My twenty something, flat stomach is gone.  Now all that remains is this scar ridden skin that has been stretched during surgery.  I now have seven scars from different surgeries.  I was told during the most recent, a balloon was expanded in my stomach to give the surgeons room to work.  That kind of freaked me out.  My stomach has gone down a lot, but I have a feeling it will need some work to return to "normal".  Anyway, back to why I'm posting about his subject.  I've realized my worry has been over what my stomach will look like and not the fact that I will finally feel better.  I've been worried about wearing the new swim suit I recently purchased this summer.  I've decided I am going to wear that swim suit and my new "war wounds" with pride.  We are taking a trip to Vegas in April which will be a big test to see how comfortable I really am in my new skin.  I'm praying God will remind me not to be so vain and just be happy I'm alive.  :) 

Surgery Update:  As for how I am feeling, I woke up Sunday the most sore I have been since the surgery.  I am sore in places I didn't realize I would be sore in.  I'm healing, but am realizing the recovery will likely be longer rather than shorter.  I won't be doing much exercising for a few more weeks and maybe months.  Please keep me in your prayers.  Love and blessings! 

Momma Makes Everything Better...

Since I was a little girl there's been one person in my life who could make me feel better when I'm sick and that's my mom.  She used to put a cold cloth on my head when I had a fever, clean up my puke when I had the flu, make me chicken noodle soup and now that I'm an adult she still takes care of me.  She brought me a bag full of sweets and has been so comforting today.  I think it's just her being around that helps me feel better.  I love my mother so much and am so blessed to to call her mom. 

I'm feeling a little better today after a good night's sleep.  It's been really difficult to sleep since my surgery because I just can't get comfortable.  My doctor gave me a prescription for sleeping pills so I actually slept the entire night.  I'm still very sore and my incisions are still gross.  I am slowly, but surely on the road to recovery.  I am going to try to go back to work Monday, but we'll see how that goes. 

Today is my sister's fiance's birthday.  Happy Birthday Jimmy.  Talk to you later bloggy friends,  XOXO

Flowers Make Everything Better

It's amazing what flowers can do when you're not feeling well.  I absolutely love, love, love flowers.  My favorite are Gerber Daisys.  Guess what was delivered to my house today...

My wonderful co-workers sent me these beautiful flowers.  I have the best job with the most wonderful co-workers.  Thanks guys and gals.  It really means a lot and truly brightened my day.  XOXO

Warning: Graphic Image

Well folks, it's 3am and I am wide awake.  Finally took the bandages off my incisions.  As you can see in the above picture, my stomach has been to battle and back.  I thought the incisions would be smaller, but I was wrong.  I imagined my naval incision actually being inside the naval and not at the bottom.  Guess I will be wearing these with pride during bikini season. 

I also imagined healing faster than I am.  The pain really hasn't gone away.  I'm taking mild pain meds, but they only really make me tired.  Guess this may actually take a few weeks.  Already going crazy sitting at home, but can't do much else.  Thanks bloggy friends.  I will post later.  XOXO

Pain = NO SLEEP!

It's 5:30 am and I've been up off and on all night.  The pain from the surgeries is so bad the meds are not even touching it.  I thought everyone was joking when they said, "As long as you don't move you'll be fine".  Yep, they were right. 

The other sad thing is I am sleeping or trying to sleep in a recliner in the living room and I have to call for Chris to help me to the bathroom.  Visits to the toilet are also fun. ;(  First time I had a catheter, friends this is in no way fun.  They took it out before I left the hospital, but it's so, so, sore.  I'm pretty sure there has to be something better than that, come on science figure it out.

My praises: 
1.  My husband and his family.  They have been so helpful and caring.
2.  My family and friends.  My parents are coming to help out this weekend and give Chris a break.  My good friend and co-worker Rachel brought over fantastic food.  She's truly a blessing.  God shines right through that girl. 
3.  My job.  Anytime any medical or family issue has come up, my bosses do not hesitate to accommodate me.  It's nice to work at a place where I don't have to worry about "life issues".
4.  I have to say the nurses and doctors at Baptist Hospital East are truly wonderful.  It was like staying in a hotel instead of a hospital.  I highly recommend that facility for everything. 

Prayer requests:
1.  Please pray for my quick recovery and the fertility issues ahead.
2.  Pray for a family member who's on the job hunt.
3.  Pray safe travel mercies over my family.
4.  Pray for my husband.  He's so kind and patient with me and a true blessing, but he made need a little extra patience this week.

Thanks bloggy friends.  XOXO

Surgery=PAIN!

Well friends, I made it.  The surgery was a success.  My hernia is fixed and it appears just in time .  My surgeron says my intestines were sticking out and that could have been really bad.  My female parts are nice and clean, but we didn't get good news when it comes to my ovaries.  They are both considered extremely small.  The specialist is concerned this could be a major issue when we try to conceive again.  We'll cross that bridge when it comes.

The pain was overwhelming even with meds when I woke up from surgery.  It's still pretty bad, but I'm learning mind over matter.  I hope to update this blog everyday.

Thanks for all your prayers and support.

Love,
Jenn

Road Warrior...

This weekend is a full out packed party.  Friday, the hubby and I are driving four hours to Marshall University to celebrate my favorite professor's 50th birthday.  He's not just any professor, he's one of the people who has always believed in me.  Thank you D.H.  You're my fav!

Sunday is Chris' birthday and I'm still trying to figure out how to surprise him.  He's turning the big 34. :)  I tell him he's old. 

Praises for the week:
1.  An end to the pain.  Next week is my surgery.  It's been a long road, but I may finally be just weeks away from being pain free.
2.  My job.  I've been experiencing great blessings in my job.  I love it! 
3.  My family and friends. 

Prayer requests:
1.  A family member has lost his job.  Pray that he gets a much better one that will provide more family time.
2.  Pray for a safe surgery and quick recovery.
3.  Unspoken for an unsaved.

Love & Blessings