Why NOT Me?

When something bad happens to someone, the first question that comes to mind usually is simply why me?  I've asked myself this question many times in my 28 years on this planet.  On Friday, Chris and I received news we were fearing.  Instead of asking why me, I found myself dealing with it by saying WHY NOT ME.  The news - It will be very difficult and maybe impossible for us to conceive.  We had a post op appointment with our fertility specialist, Dr. Homm.  He is a fantastic doctor and very sincere.  I could tell he was trying to choose his words wisely when talking to us.  Inside I was thinking, Doctor - My husband and I see death on a regular basis, we break bad news everyday and keep it together when the world is burning up around us, we are capable of hearing "bad news".  I didn't say anything, I just sat quietly taking it all in.  I remember thinking, am I really here in THIS moment.  He gave us some good news first.  I have "some" good looking female parts, but not the parts that really need to work.  My problem is my very small and aged ovaries.  The doctor is not sure why my ovaries have aged, but there's no reversing it.  The left ovary is pretty much gone from a cyst I had removed and the right is nearing the end of it's useful age with few eggs left.  Why not me.  God does not promise life with be easy.  He says there WILL be troubles, but He will be with us.  So why not me.  God WILL bless us in this trial.  It is His plan and our privilege to be a part of it. 

Options
Unlike some people with fertility problems, we have options.  We have three which are all very costly.  The first is injecting myself with hormones in hopes my right ovary gives up the best of what eggs are left.  Along with that I continue taking a aspirin and possibly a blood thinner for my clotting disorder along with hormones to sustain the pregnancy.  The second option is IVF - all I can say is expensive!  Our third and final option is adoption.  We will likely do adoption even if we do one of the others.  We both want one biological and one adopted.  There are thousands of unwanted children on this earth that deserve a home.  We will be in prayer while deciding over the next few weeks.

God speaks...
While in church this morning, a couple with their adopted daughter sat in front of us.  I could not take my eyes off of them.  It was like God strategically put them in my path.  I watched their facial expressions and the way they acted toward one another.  It was like God was speaking to me.  I've really struggled with the notion of going forward with adoption.  I feel like I need to mourn my fertility.  I know that sounds insane, but that's how I feel.  You are getting my raw and unedited feelings folks.  Chris is ready to adopt now.  He's looking at adoption Web sites and reading all the laws and information.  But he still understands my fragile feelings.  I explained to him I am still "mourning" my fertility.  I'm not sure how that sounds to someone else, but it makes sense in my mind.  I feel like God is really pushing us in the adoption direction, but I have a lot of concerns.  It just so happens there's an adoption summit at our church in May.  See, God speaks.  I am in prayer that God will direct our decisions and open our minds and hearts to whatever His plan is. 

We have a lot to think and pray about in the next few weeks.  Please keep us in your prayers.  Thank you bloggy friends.