Finding My JOY

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

I find myself on the couch with a bag of Hershey's chocolate and my favorite warm blanket with my hubby.  No fancy restaurant for us, no, no, no.  I decided what better way to celebrate the big VDay than to start this blog.  Writing is my therapy.  I also believe in the power of prayer so as you read this please keep me in prayer. 

How did I start out Valentine's Day?  Well, with a visit to the doctor's office of course.  Let's rewind a year or so to get to why I'm visiting the doctor on Valentine's Day.  The last year has not be a kind one or one that I would like to remember.  It's been a year of deep loss for my immediate and extended family.  It was about this time last year that my husband and I were begining our journey of trying to conceive (TTC).  Yep, baby time.  We were excited to be on this new journey.  But it wasn't long until we were met with deep heartbreak.  We experienced our first miscarriage just before Mother's Day.  What a difficult weekend that was. 

We quickly learned one in four women experience the same loss.  No one shares those statistics when you are TTC.  Maybe that's because it's one of those unmentionable conversations.  We recovered quickly as we always do with bumps in the road.  Over the next few months, we would relive our loss many times over.  Five.  That's the number we are sticking with.  The number of unborn babies we have in heaven.  That's a lot of loss.  It become routine for us to follow a positive pregnancy test with a "well maybe this one will make it a few more weeks".  That never really happened for us.  We finally knew it was time to stop, get a grip and feel human again. 

Take one step back.  In the middle of our battle with TTC, we were faced with another battle.  My three cousins were killed in a car accident.  Talk about knocking the breath right out of you.  Jesus had me on my knees more than ever.  There were a few nights, maybe more than a few when I really did cry out to Jesus asking why, even though I know I should not question My Savior.  It's funny how in those moments when the pain in your stomach radiates to your heart and it hurts to even take another breath that you feel Jesus the most.  I wondered so many times how someone who does not know the love of Jesus could get through such loss. 

With the begining of December came the begining of our hiatus from TTC.  We decided to see a specialist.  He found some "problems" with me.  Yep, I'm broken.  That's what I like to call it.  I have several issues leading to my infertility (IF).  One of which causes consistant pain and I will be having a surgery for in March.  Now enter a new year, January.  Just when I was hoping for a new year and a new start another problem pops up.  A hernia.  Seriously, I am not sure where this came from.  I do know it's painful.  The specialist referred me to another doctor to hopefully fix my hernia at the same time as the fertility issues. 

So on this Valentine's Day I sit in pain on the couch with my wonderful hubby who understands my "brokeness" and two great pooches.  I know that one day soon I will be "normal" or "not broken".  Until that day, I will nurse my brokeness with this blog and let it Fuel My Joy!